First of all, I could spend hours spewing out bile and venom over the six+ hours I wasted on the Star Wars prequels but that deserves a special post.
The Bodyguard with Kevin Costner and Whitney Houston – I could only make it through 20 minutes of this dung heap before my wife screamed “make it stop, make it stop”. A truly wretched piece of cinema.
Another film that lasted 15 minutes and not a second longer in our house was Shining Through with Melanie Griffith. “I know what you are Mithter Ryan, you’re a Thpy!” JEBUS, was that movie shit on a stick.
Sphere – there are tons of bad genre films but few waste your time as well as this. Unless of course you saw Mission to Mars, which makes Sphere Oscar-worthy. And then there’s the recent Van Helsing. That sucked five different ways.
Con Air – other than Buscemi, this was another two hours I will never get back and some day Simon West will fucking pay! What was this, an homage to Michael “Let’s Blow Shit Up” Bay? Speaking of which:
The three worst offenders who have made the worst movies of all time – the three sad excuses for men who will be lined up and shot second when the revolution occurs (first executions are for the Fox TV execs who fucked up Firefly)…drum roll please…for crimes against all of humanity I present:
Roland Emmerich – Independence Day, The Patriot, Godzilla, The Day After Tomorrow. I challenge you to find anyone with a looser grasp of logic, continuity, and common sense that this pathetic turd.
Michael Bay – Pearl Harbor, Bad Boys, The Rock, Armageddon. When it doubt, blow shit up. Ignore physics, history, logic – just blow shit up. Gatling gun on the Mars Rover – makes perfect sense to Michael. My wife and I actually started laughing out loud when Kate Beckinsale announced she was knocked up in Pearl Harbor because we knew right then Josh Hartnett was going to die.
Brett Ratner – X-3. At the thought of this film I shake with anger so much I can scarcely type. We follow up one of the greatest comic movies of all time with one of the worst. I have changed my mind. Ratner should not be executed by firing squad, that’s far too clean and easy. It has to be slow and painful, involving a sledgehammer and his nutsack. Because that’s what it feels like watching X-3. Brett Ratner: Worst.Director.Ever.