First of all, I could spend hours spewing out bile and venom over the six+ hours I wasted on the Star Wars prequels but that deserves a special post.

The Bodyguard with Kevin Costner and Whitney Houston – I could only make it through 20 minutes of this dung heap before my wife screamed “make it stop, make it stop”. A truly wretched piece of cinema.

Another film that lasted 15 minutes and not a second longer in our house was Shining Through with Melanie Griffith. “I know what you are Mithter Ryan, you’re a Thpy!” JEBUS, was that movie shit on a stick.

Sphere – there are tons of bad genre films but few waste your time as well as this. Unless of course you saw Mission to Mars, which makes Sphere Oscar-worthy. And then there’s the recent Van Helsing. That sucked five different ways.

Con Air – other than Buscemi, this was another two hours I will never get back and some day Simon West will fucking pay! What was this, an homage to Michael “Let’s Blow Shit Up” Bay? Speaking of which:

The three worst offenders who have made the worst movies of all time – the three sad excuses for men who will be lined up and shot second when the revolution occurs (first executions are for the Fox TV execs who fucked up Firefly)…drum roll please…for crimes against all of humanity I present:

Roland Emmerich – Independence Day, The Patriot, Godzilla, The Day After Tomorrow. I challenge you to find anyone with a looser grasp of logic, continuity, and common sense that this pathetic turd.

Michael Bay – Pearl Harbor, Bad Boys, The Rock, Armageddon. When it doubt, blow shit up. Ignore physics, history, logic – just blow shit up. Gatling gun on the Mars Rover – makes perfect sense to Michael. My wife and I actually started laughing out loud when Kate Beckinsale announced she was knocked up in Pearl Harbor because we knew right then Josh Hartnett was going to die.

Brett Ratner – X-3. At the thought of this film I shake with anger so much I can scarcely type. We follow up one of the greatest comic movies of all time with one of the worst. I have changed my mind. Ratner should not be executed by firing squad, that’s far too clean and easy. It has to be slow and painful, involving a sledgehammer and his nutsack. Because that’s what it feels like watching X-3. Brett Ratner: Worst.Director.Ever.

About jeroljohnson

I guess I'm the crying on the inside kind of clown
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9 Responses to Worst.Movie.Ever.

  1. Anonymous says:

    Cat Woman with Halle Berry
    Cat Woman with Halle Berry is pretty awful too…For some inexplicable reason it’s like in a regular rotation on AMC (which I though stood for American Movie Classics.) I don’t know…Maybe it’s watchable with the sound cranked way down, with Dark Side Of The Moon on – and a big bowl of something that alters one’s reality…best, RichM

    • jeroljohnson says:

      Re: Cat Woman with Halle Berry
      I have never seen it. Based on how bad Halle did as Storm in the X-Men movies, I had no desire to see her in Catwoman. There’s a movie that should be done again, with an actress of substance and a decent script/director. I hear that Electra with Jennifer Garner is possibly even worse than Catwoman but I don’t have even have enough drugs to see the two of them back to back.

      • Anonymous says:

        Re: Cat Woman with Halle Berry
        Electra: Y’know I’ve seen just bits and pieces of that on cable…But when it is on I find it usually watchable – from a sort of B-movie perspective…Saw the beginning where she is sent on a mission (Electra’s claim to fame of course is that she’s a super-ninja, weapon’s master who kills people at the direction of The Hand – in her tight swimsuit which is cut impossibly high up both her curvaceous thighs, but I digress…)…Anyway, she befriends this single father along with his precocious, incorrigible teenage daughter – only to find out: these are the people who’ve been targeted to be her next assassination victims…At that point I usually get called away by my wife who wants the trash taken out or her wine bottle opened but – ELECTRA is on my list of movies I need to watch in an uncut version of yet…One thing that bothers me is that this character is killed off quite dramatically in DareDevil (run through with her own knives by Colin Ferrell as a delightfully psychotic Bullseye) – so, though she does make mention of having “died before” I’m unsure how they explain this from a continuity standpoint…So, I’m thinking it might be quite entertaining in the same vein as say, Faster PussyCat Kill, Kill (with Tura Santana) or Lady Frankenstein….Cat Woman on the other hand is just plain bad, rushed & horribly written…The relationship Berry has with the cop who tries to befriend her and find out her secret – and then he sells her out and busts her – is mind-numbingly stupid & dysfuntional….Also a weird premise about a cosmetic product that gives women super strength – but disfigures them while at the same time making them super strong is hard to follow…Rich M.

      • jeroljohnson says:

        Re: Cat Woman with Halle Berry
        Perhaps what should be done is someone does a new catwoman with Jennifer Garner in the title role?

      • Anonymous says:

        Re: Cat Woman with Halle Berry
        I dunno…I think Electra really should be Asian rather than a girl-next-door white chick….Maybe that Lucy Lu (Charlie’s Angels) or even like Angela Bassett would make a butt-kicking Electra…Y’know, how when we were kids and Tarzan was the big, bad jungle hero?…It really is a sort of racist premise when you think about it – that only a European guy can go to Africa and become the “King Of The Jungle” despite all the natives over there that had more appropriate job experience and jungle resumes to fill that gig…Sort of the same deal with Electra…Also, I would argue (not to drag this into comic books all the time) – that for this same reason, T’Challa, the Black Panther (Marvel Comics) – is the real King of The Jungle…Now that would be a great movie hero & possible series/franchise……best, RichM

  2. Anonymous says:

    worst movies I’ve paid to see
    Legends of the Fall
    The second Jurassic Park movie–one of the very few movies I’ve ever walked out on
    A couple different John Grisham movies, I’ve blocked out the actual titles
    The first Star Wars prequel, the second was plenty bad but nothing tops that first one. As I believe you yourself have said, “My money back I want.”

    • jeroljohnson says:

      Re: worst movies I’ve paid to see
      Legends of the Fall – I was dragged to see that melodramatic manipulative waste of celluloid. I think I got in trouble when I laughed out loud during the scene where Brad Pitt defeats a grizzly bear with just a hunting knife.
      What is the one thing that is worse than a John Grisham novel? A John Grisham movie!
      If you think the 2nd Jurassic Park movie is bad, you should see the 3rd for proper perspective. There is wretchedness there that does not sleep.

  3. Anonymous says:

    Roland Emmerich
    So this guy made Stargate… which is really a favorite sci-fi movie of mine. Everything else I have ever seen is a shit sandwich of course. 2012 being one of the most offensive green clouds ever laid upon all of Movie-land.

    • jeroljohnson says:

      Re: Roland Emmerich
      The first half of Stargate was the best sci-fi movie ever, that last 45 minutes were are first clue that Emmerich had no clue in delivering on an interesting premise
      The movie did however give us the Stargate series, which most assuredly did not suck, at least until season 9. Atlantis was just as good. The jury is still out on SG:U which is threatening to turn into a soap opera. They should leave that to Flash Forward and V.

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