Like I Could Give a Shit

Like I Could Give a Shit

Our dog Pippin has always had difficulty with disposing of body wastes. He’s a small dog with a wee bladder and tiny bowels. He asks to go out a lot and we indulge him. I suspect there are many times that he goes outside and forgets why he went out but I can live with that. Every night I put out a peepad by the back door and he’s pretty reliable to use it if the need arises. About once a month he’ll make a core dump in the laundry room. It’s small, usually solid in its state, and easy to clean up.

Pippin is relatively bright but sometimes he is so excited by his life that he forgets to take care of basic needs. This morning he was put out a couple times and that’s usually enough to get him through until early afternoon. Usually seems to be the operative word.

For reasons that would take too long to explain and are too mundane to bother with, we were driving a rental van today. We were about a hundred miles from home. I was filling the van with gas and ducked back inside the van to stay warm. The dog released a silent but deadly and was eyeing the vast expanse of the back of the van. As dog farts go, this one was equal to that of a dog five times his size and almost made my eyes water. I warned him that releasing whatever eldritch horror that resided in his bowels was not an option. He settled down, resigned to his fate. I went into the gas station, crossing paths with my wife. When I got back into the van she complained of the foul stench and I explained the previous gaseous incursion. She thought it smelled a little more…substantive. I said that there was no way, it was just a blast of hot, albeit slimy, air and looked in the back of the van. There sprawled a hot, glistening mass that radiated putrefaction and bad karma. Did I mention that we were half a block from where we were returning the van? The dog had a look of satisfaction on his face, no doubt because he achieved the north/south axis when he did his spin/drop move on the navy blue carpet.

It took three trips of running back and forth to the gas station restroom to retrieve wet paper towels, toilet paper, and fresh air before I got it all cleaned up. Opening all the windows when it’s fourteen above is not something one does on a whim but this time we had good reason. Thank god the nasal devastation cleared by the time the van got inspected.

Much later, back in our own car and about fifteen miles from home, Pippin got very restless. Panting, running back and forth, etc. And then came a series of farts. I did increase my speed. And rolled down the back windows. When we parked the car in the garage he leaped out and didn’t even take time to spin before he dropped his parcel in the snow. It was then I remembered that we fed him some leftover braunschweiger the day before.

Pippin is asleep now, napping with his mother. I’m waiting for Supernatural to come on and trying to get the stench out of my nose. See while I was in the living room one of the cats decided to be put out at us being gone all day. He dropped a statement shit in the dining room. It’s going to be a long winter.

About jeroljohnson

I guess I'm the crying on the inside kind of clown
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One Response to Like I Could Give a Shit

  1. Noreen says:

    I’m glad I didn’t read this at work. LMAO!

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